end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There's even glitter on my cock...
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