if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
