I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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