I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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