If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you win again, gameday.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
