I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
