That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
