i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
