thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
