that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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