gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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