I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
