I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
