This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
