home. puking in laundry basket.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
