currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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