Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
