Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
