Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
