if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
