i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
