He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
