her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
