Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
