I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
