My liver just broke up with me...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
