You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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