So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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