No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
