Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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