Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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