They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
