I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
