That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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