At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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