Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
