What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
