The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
