Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
