when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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