How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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