I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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