when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
