i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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