Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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