So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
