The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
