Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
