I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
