I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
