Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Still dying that you shit outside
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
